


Where We Lie

by Runic



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Divorce, Hurt/Comfort, Insanity, M/M, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-11-29 16:01:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runic/pseuds/Runic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had been Tony Stark: genius, billionaire, Iron Man, the lover of a god. Now the simulation had ended and he had woken up. Now he had to go back to being Tony Stark: the engineering professor with a suburban two story house, PT Cruiser, a cat, and a failed marriage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Leaving So Early, Love?

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to post this until I finished Magic Tricks. But I made the mistake of letting Emily and Resoan read it, and they both got excited about it, so I got excited, and I have absolutely no willpower to resist posting this any longer. One of these days I will actually finish a story.
> 
> A huge thanks to my lovelies, Emily and Resoan for reading this for me, and to Isa who lets me continually bounce ideas off her.

Tony grins at his reflection when pale hands suddenly materialize to straighten his tie. Loki wraps his arms around Tony’s waist, resting his chin against Tony’s shoulder. “I was hoping to catch you before you dressed,” the Trickster pouts.

He turns his head to the side and places a light, but nowhere near chaste, kiss on Loki’s lips. “Unfortunately Cap threatened to come up here and drag me out if I was more than five minutes late.”

Loki growls possessively, his arms tightening around Tony. “I would like to see him try to take you from me.”

“Oooo, jealousy.” Tony turns in Loki’s embrace, wrapping his arms around the god’s shoulders. “Hot.”

He slams his lips against Loki’s. Loki slams him against the wall. Tony moans and Loki’s tongue ravishes the inventor’s mouth. “Cap’s going to be up here soon,” Tony groans when Loki pulls away.

The god goes down on his knees and smirks up at Tony. “I believe we have enough time for a preview of the birthday gift I will be giving you tonight.”

Tony groans at the feel of Loki nuzzling against him, his fingers curling in dark hair. He opens his mouth to tell Loki that as much as he loves the god’s lips on him they need to be quick, he doesn’t really care about getting caught but they still haven’t told anyone about their relationship, and this is not the way Tony wants to break the news, but he chokes on the words. He can’t breathe. There is no air in his lungs. He doesn’t hear the angry hiss that escapes Loki’s lips as his fingers tighten painfully within the Trickster’s hair over the roaring in his ears.  Tony slides down the wall, twitching violently. Loki’s face is blurry in its panic above him. He can feel his lover’s arms around him and tries desperately to anchor himself to reality by clinging to that feeling.

But the world goes dark and silent as nothingness rushes up to meet him, dragging him down into its depths.

/

He claws at the darkness, fighting so it will release him. But there are chains tearing into his flesh, dragging him back each time he moves forward. His eyes snap open and he gasps, taking heavy breaths to fill his lungs again. Strong hands hold him down on a bed until he calms down enough to take in his surroundings.

Bruce smiles down at him, but his eyes are clouded by concern. “Hey, welcome back, Tony. How’re you feeling?”

“Back? Wha-?” He cuts himself off, head snapping to the side as computers begin to beep alerts. The chains are nothing more than wires hooking him up to machines monitoring his vitals. It looks like Bruce’s lab, but it’s not, and yet it is.

The memories come crashing back; becoming a professor, becoming friends with Bruce, Loki, _god_ Loki, his marriage falling apart, Bruce’s research, and finally Tony volunteering to be Bruce’s guinea pig for his newest experiment.

He had been Tony Stark: genius, billionaire, Iron Man, the lover of a god. Now the simulation had ended and he had woken up. Now he had to go back to being Tony Stark: the engineering professor with a suburban two story house, PT Cruiser, a cat, and a failed marriage.

Tony wonders if he can convince Bruce to start up the simulation again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Resoan said that when she read Tony saying "hot" all she could think of was Oghren talking to Sigrun...and now I can't get that image out of my head.
> 
> Anyways, feedback would very much be appreciated. This is completely different from anything I've attempted before.


	2. The House is a Sitcom Stage (Why Did I Give You a Key?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint's focus is absolutely not my focus. I don't know what you're talking about.

Bruce sighs once he pulls into Tony’s driveway and puts the car in park. “Look Tony,” he says when Tony shows no sign of lifting his head from where it rests against the window, “I know we agreed to talk about what you saw in the simulation after you got some rest, but I think we should talk about _why_ you volunteered…if not to me, then at least to someone.”

“Nothing to talk about,” Tony mumbles back.

“Before you do something truly stupid,” Bruce ignores Tony’s protest, using his ‘don’t make me angry’ voice. “I shouldn’t have let you go into that simulation. You told me you were fine, but that was obviously a lie, one I chose to ignore in my eagerness. I shouldn’t have, Tony. I’m sorry.” He pauses, hands shaking.

“What happened between you and Loki?” Tony remains silent and Bruce sighs again, struggling to keep whatever emotion is attempting to dominate him at the moment in check. “Tony, I know you guys had your problems, but you were happy. You can’t expect me to believe you two just got bored of one another.”

Tony still refuses to lift his head. He is watching as the orange tabby jumps onto the back of that horrid chair Loki is so fond of to peer out the window, her tail flicking rapidly in anticipation. “Loki came home early and caught me bending a student over the back of the couch.”

Bruce sucks in a sharp breath. Tony finally lifts his head to see Bruce has his eyes closed, and is breathing deeply. He is close to exploding, and he is trying very hard not to. Tony can’t blame him. He is mad at himself too. “Tony, I…what was… _why?_ ” he finally manages to spit out.

“Don’t know. Not like I was unhappy, certainly not in bed. It just happened.”

“How does that _just happen? With a student?”_

“Don’t know.” He watches as Bruce sits perfectly still, his thumb and pointer finger pinching the bridge of his nose, before deciding to tell Bruce the rest. Why stop now? “Loki threatened to tell Fury if I didn’t give him a divorce. I’d never be able to work as a professor again, so I agreed.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know.”

Bruce looks over to him, studying Tony for a minute. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll give you a call if I feel weird or anything. Or if I feel like talking,” Tony adds when Bruce opens his mouth.

“All right,” Bruce finally relents as Tony opens the door, “but I’m calling Rhodey to check on you later.”

“Aw Bruce, I-”

Bruce gives him a sharp glare that cuts off his protest. “Fine, but I’m not going to be nice.”

“I’ll warn him, but consider it to be for my peace of mind.”

Bruce stays in the driveway until Tony opens his front door and steps inside. The cat leaps off the windowsill to twine around his feet, meowing loudly. “Hey, Pep.” She meows again, this time sounding annoyed. “I’m getting there, cat! You’ve got to give me time to actually walk to the kitchen.”

He could swear she huffs before marching off ahead of him. As soon as he moves away after filling the food bowl Pepper seems content to ignore Tony’s existence. “Yeah, love you too, Pep.”

Tony opens the fridge and pulls out a diet coke, not even looking at what he is grabbing. His mind is too focused on what he had been, what he had lost. Howard had died when Tony was little, not during a car crash in his late teens. All he remembered of his father was occasionally sitting in his lap, listening excitedly as Howard read him bedtime stories. What kind of fucked up mind did he have that he had twisted Howard’s absence into the cold version he had know in the simulation? Howard had left him home movies, and photos, and letters telling his son to be strong, telling him to be strong; not a multibillion dollar company and the map for creating a new element.

Oh shit, vibranium. Tony knows how to make a new element. Sure, this time it would take years and more money than he had ever had, but he knows how to make it. Hell, he knows how to make a new energy source and a flying suit of armor. He needs to make a few modifications from where his mind went a little giddy, but he could make them.

But should he? He knows people will find a way to misuse vibranium and the arc reactor. And the suit…Tony had used it to defend people, to fight for redemption, but people like Hammer and Vanko had emulated that technology and put people at risk. Did Tony really have a right to introduce the world to that invention? What if that opened his real reality to the super villains he had fought in his mind?

Oh god, he is going to have to tell Bruce that his subconscious turned him into a giant, green, rage monster. Natasha and Clint had been assassins. That really isn’t so much of a stretch for the Latin professor, but Tony has a hard time figuring out how his brain turned the history adjunct into an archer. Maybe it is because Clint’s focus is on the Lancastrian kings. If Clint isn’t rambling on about his wife it is about Henry V.

Steve and Thor are not surprising either. The American literature professor would definitely go around in a skin tight uniform with a shield, defending the American ideal. And the football coach, Loki’s protective older brother, as the actual Norse god Thor, yeah Tony totally sees where that one comes from.

Loki...beautiful, destructive, broken Loki. It kills Tony to remember the crazed look of hatred in Loki’s eyes when they had first met, but he also knows where that came from.

The sound of the front door opening and the light footsteps approaching the kitchen breaks Tony from his thoughts. Yeah, he knows that look. It is the one Loki wears when he looks at him now. He is older than the other Loki; of course he is, this Loki is mortal. The lines around his eyes are deeper, but it does nothing to detract from his beauty. “Loki-”

“Sign these.” Loki sets the papers down in front of him, more elegantly than anyone else could have. Even after eleven years of marriage Tony could never figure out how he did that.

Tony can’t look at him. Looking at Loki just brings too many feelings to the surface. So he looks down at the papers, and that’s even worse. Divorce papers. That’s right, in this reality Loki hates him. Loki doesn’t want to be his anymore. Tony had been willing to accept that to save his career, but the simulation, the simulation has made him realize how much he loves Loki. He doesn’t want to let Loki go. Tony still loves him, he loves Loki more than his damn career, and he’d been an idiot to make the choice he did.

Not that he could tell Loki all that. Loki is too angry to listen. He’d lose his job and his husband. He can’t lose Loki, not now.

“Sometime today,” Loki snaps.

Tony leans back in his chair and sighs, forcing himself to look at the beautiful man. “Look, I just woke up from Bruce’s simulation-”

“I don’t care.”

Tony continues, knowing the only way Loki ever hears anything when he is angry is when someone talks over him. “I’m not in the best frame of mind right now. That could cause problems later if I sign these now.”

“If you do not give me this divorce I will tell Fury you fucked a student. He will have you fired, and you’d never teach again,” Loki threatens again.

“I don’t care.”

There is a flash of something in Loki’s eyes at that, maybe shock, maybe a deeper loathing, but it pauses him long enough to let him process Tony’s words. “Sign them by the end of the week. I won’t wait any longer than that.” Loki turns on his heel and walks out the front door before Tony can say anything to stop him.

Pepper jumps up onto the table and settles down on top of the papers. Tony scratches behind her ears and she starts purring loudly. “At least you’re not mad at me.”

 

Tony is still sitting at the kitchen table when Rhodey arrives. His friend takes the empty soda can and throws it out before rolling to the fridge, pulling out two more, and doing an overlying complicated twist to wheel his chair away from the fridge and coming over to Tony. Rhodey had been injured in Afghanistan a few years ago, and while he still has the use of his legs, standing is painful and walking is a rather slow process.

“Bruce told me.”

“Yeah, figured he would.” Tony pops the tab of the can and takes a drink. “Loki dropped these off after I got home.” He waves at the divorce papers Pepper has fallen asleep on.

Rhodey looks down at the papers and shakes his head. “He always did have horrible timing.”

“Yeah, I know that better than most.”

“You know that better than most because you made an awful mistake.”

Tony groans, leaning forward to lay his head against the table. “What have I gotten myself into, Rhodey?”

“Why didn’t you sign them?” Rhodey asks instead.

He rolls his head to the side so he can look up at Rhodey. “I’m an idiot.”

“Yes,” Rhodey nods, “we’ve established that.”

“I don’t want a divorce.”

Rhodey takes a drink from his own can. “So how do we win him back?”

Tony blinks, slowly raising his head. The movement wakes Pepper up and she curls up in the circle of his arms to fall asleep again. “What?”

“Well, the only other choice you have besides the divorce is to convince Loki he doesn’t want one either. Between the two of us we should be able to come up with something.”

Tony feels a flicker of hope at Rhodey’s words. He had managed to stall Loki, but Loki would not be stopped without a force more powerful than Tony could think to muster on his own. “Rhodey, I love you.”

“Of course you do. Now, battle plans.”

 

“When did I ever believe that giving you a key was a good idea?” Tony asks later when Bruce walks in laden with bags of Chinese takeout.

“After we decided watching all ten seasons of Friends at once was a good idea.”

“You said you wanted us to treat your house like a sitcom stage, and just have people wander in randomly.” Steve walks in behind Bruce, also carrying food.

“I did not think that one through,” Tony says as he turns to Rhodey, who just chuckles and grabs a box of lo mein.

Clint says something as he and Natasha walk through the front door, but no one can understand him with the eggroll in his mouth. Natasha rolls her eyes and elbows him in the side before making her way over to Tony.

“This would be a good time to tell you, I haven’t told them what you told me today,” Bruce whispers to him, sliding the divorce papers off the table and walking away casually. Tony also really loves Bruce.

Except no one keeps anything from Natasha. She raises an eyebrow at Bruce’s obvious retreat before focusing her attention back on Tony. “You’re up to something.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I should tell Loki.” Because of course Natasha and Loki had been friends longer than any of them, except maybe Tony and Rhodey.

“Probably already expects it.”

“Probably,” Natasha agrees. “You know, despite all the messed up issues you bring to the table, you two really are good for each other.”

Tony gives her a weak smile. It is Natasha’s way of saying she is not going to get in his way. She always did say more if people were willing to read between the lines.

“So did we appear in this simulation Bruce ran on you, or did you just see a bunch of pretty colors?” Clint asks. He is currently going through Tony’s fridge. “Why don’t you ever have anything good to drink?”

“One, because wrapping the front end of your car around a tree the night you plan on purposing, and then having your boyfriend find his engagement ring when he is checking you out of the hospital, and his angry brother threatening you, is an amazing deterrent for drinking.

“And two, you were a master assassin that went around running across rooftops, shooting people full of arrows.”

Clint’s eyes snap to Natasha. “No,” she answers before her husband can even ask the question. Sixteen years of friendship allows Tony to translate that into, ‘If you go running across rooftops with a bow and arrows I will only visit you in the hospital to stab you with these chopsticks.’ The glare that she gives Tony, that one right there, yeah that means, ‘And I will put you right there next to him for even giving him the idea in the first place.’

“Okay, relocation.” Rhodey places his food in his lap, Steve grabbing his drink for him, and leads the way to the living room. “There is definitely not enough room for all of us to eat in here.”

It’s strange to Tony that the kitchen isn’t big enough. It always has been before…expect it hasn’t.

Everyone wonders out to the living room where Rhodey turns on Top Gear (the BBC version, thank you very much), and Bruce sits in Tony’s usual seat on the couch. Tony is grateful, because he seriously never wants to see that couch again. He really should take an axe to it or something. Instead he curls up in Loki’s favorite chair. Pepper settles at his feet, staring up at him expectantly until Tony relents and starts feeding her pieces of beef.

When they all finally leave for the night, except for Steve who had fallen asleep early and no one had the heart to wake, Tony heads upstairs feeling in better spirits than he has been in weeks.

But the dream he has completely destroys that.

He is in a hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of machines. Pepper, the woman Pepper, not the cat Pepper, leaps out of her chair when she sees Tony’s eyes open, tears of relief streaming down her face. “Tony, we were so worried.”

He can feel himself slipping away again. There is someone else at his side, someone holding his hand. He knows that hand without even having to look up. Tony knows he is invisible or else Pepper would be freaking out right now…well, freaking out about something else entirely. He manages a soft, “Hey,” before his eyes grow too heavy for him to keep open any longer.

Tony wakes up gasping, throwing the blankets off of himself as he rapidly goes from horizontal to vertical. Pepper, the cat Pepper, not the woman Pepper, glares at him for waking her up before leaping off the bed and wondering out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be out of town next week, so it will be a couple seeks before I get to update again.


	3. Alone is When You Come Up With the Stupidest Ideas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a huge thanks to Emily for reading this first. (Who has, much to my amusement, lain claim to this story.) Now that I have wrestled it back from her I can share it with the rest of you. :) 
> 
> (I <3 you, Emily!)

Tony wakes from the not so restless sleep he had fallen back into to the smell of bacon and the clatter of pans. It is so familiar Tony can only hope. He knows he shouldn’t, because there is no way it can be who he thinks it is, but his heart still leaps.

So of course when he wanders into the kitchen and sees Steve at the stove Tony’s heart sinks, a heavy feeling of disappointment settling over him. Of course it is Steve; Steve had fallen asleep on the couch last night after all. “Good morning,” the not super soldier greets. When he looks over his shoulder to Tony his brows furrow with concern. “Are you all right, Tony?”

“Yeah. I just thought Loki had come back for a minute,” Tony mutters.

“Oh Tony, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-“

“It’s okay, Cap. I knew it wasn’t him. I just couldn’t help hoping.” He goes to the pantry to dish out Pepper’s own breakfast, the cat purring loudly as she twines around his feet.

“Still…wait, Cap?”

“Yeah, you were Captain America in the simulation.”

“But…I’m Canadian.”

The look on Steve’s face starts Tony laughing, and then he just can’t stop. He keeps going, fighting for breath with tears streaming down his face, because seriously, the whole situation is just ridiculous. He knows it is, but he just can’t stop laughing. “The look on your face,” Tony gasps out as he starts to recover. He wipes the tears from his eyes. “Sorry, Steve, it wasn’t that funny. I just couldn’t make myself stop.”

“Yeah, like this is the first laugh attack of yours I’ve been subjected to.” Steve slides the omelet out of the pan onto a plate, adding a few pieces of bacon and a couple pieces of toast. He points to a chair, demanding Tony sits, before placing the plate in front of the other man.

“Thanks, Steve.” Tony picks up his fork and begins to eat. Steve is a decent cook, and don’t get him wrong, the food is good, but it isn’t Loki’s food. For that reason the eggs seem almost tasteless as they pass over Tony’s tongue.

While Tony eats Steve washes out the dishes, having already eaten his own breakfast, because Steve wakes up at some ungodly hour every day. “All right, I’ve got class today. You going to be good by yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve got some project proposals to look over today. Go, subject your students to the horror that is Twain.”

Steve rolls his eyes as he pulls on his coat. “We’re actually reading Irving right now, but nice try.”

“But you’ll read Twain eventually, so it still counts.”

“Goodbye, Tony,” Steve calls over his shoulder before closing the door behind him.

Then Tony is left alone. And isn’t that always when one comes up with the stupidest ideas? He looks down at the food, which of course makes him think of Loki again, which makes him think of the plans he and Rhodey came up with last night. See, the problem, one of the many, is that Loki is staying with Thor right now, and Thor kind of hates Tony at the moment. If Tony wants a chance of seeing Loki in an environment where they can actually have a progressive talk he is going to have to get back into Thor’s good graces.

“Be good, Pep,” he tells the cat, heading back upstairs to take a shower and change.

 

Fifty-three minutes later he is standing on Thor’s doorstep, his finger hovering over the doorbell. He is not afraid. Okay sure, Thor could crush his head like a grape, but there is no reason Thor would actually do that…right? Whether Tony is about to lose his nerve or not, the decision is made for him when the door opens. Sif, Thor’s fiancé (for like six years now), stands in the doorway, one eyebrow raised as she appraises the engineer standing on her doorstep.

“Thor!” she finally calls over her shoulder, deciding to let her lover deal with Tony. “Stark,” she nods as she pushes past him, almost stepping over the line to hostility. “You know he’s gone back to calling himself Odinson,” she says simply.

Tony flinches at that. When they had married Loki had changed his last name to Stark for one reason: a giant fuck you to his foster father, Odin. Loki changing his name back is maybe the worst thing that has happened so far, if only because it highlights the hopelessness of the situation.

“What are you doing here?” Thor asks, answering Sif’s call, anger echoing in his thundering voice.

Tony tears his eyes away from Sif, who had headed off to her car after losing all interest in Tony’s existence, back to the doorway where Thor is looming above him. The man’s blue eyes are as dark as the storms he had had the power to summon in the simulation. Tony knows he needs to take his next steps very carefully. “I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”

“You can talk out here.”

Okaaaaay. Tony takes a deep breath, deciding to jump right in. “I’m still in love with Loki.”

Thor blinks, some of the anger draining from his body. A moment later it returns in full force. “Then why would you cheat on him?” Thor demands.

Tony shuffles his feet, not really fond of saying all this outside. Thor seems to realize that he’ll get his answers faster if he lets Tony in, and moves out of the way. “Only to hear your _explanation_ , then you leave.”

“Right,” Tony agrees. He pauses to take his shoes off in the entryway. Loki always hated when Tony got the floors dirty because he simply couldn’t take his shoes off. Of course now that it doesn’t really matter is when he starts doing it.

He follows Thor into the kitchen, sitting at the counter while Thor goes back to washing the dishes. “So, if you still love my brother why did you cheat on him?” Thor demands again.

“It was stupid.”

Thor snorts. “Obviously. Now stop stalling.”

Tony takes another deep breath. “You know when Loki and I fight we solve our problems by having angry sex and just not talking to each other. Well, that night we got into a huge fight, I don’t even remember what it was about now, but just when things were heating up Loki left to go to a COLA party. I was alone, and I just kept telling myself things that got me angrier and angrier. That’s when she called me. Her friend had hooked up with some guy and left her drunk at a bar. She said she needed someone to come get her, and I was the first person who had picked up. I couldn’t leave her there.”

Thor nods in understanding. He has done the same for his players more than once. “So you slept with a drunk student?”

He flinches as if Thor had threatened to strike him. “I was drunk too,” he admits.

The plate Thor is holding shatters, porcelain clogging the sink. “ _What?”_ the large man demands, rounding on Tony. “You promised me, _you promised Loki, you’d never drink again!_ We almost lost you the last time!”

“I know. I know!” Tony holds his hands out in front of him. “I just,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair, “I was so frustrated and so angry, and I wanted to do something stupid to piss off Loki even more. When I got there she offered me a drink, and I couldn’t make myself say no. Once that shot was in my system I couldn’t stop. It felt so good. God Thor, I’ve missed that rush, that bliss, so much. After that first shot I _needed_ it. If I didn’t have another I was certain I was going to die.”

A long silence stretches between them. Thor, his shoulders sagging ever so slightly, begins to clean up the broken plate. “So you got drunk, took her home, and fucked her,” the football coach finishes for him.

“And then Loki walked in,” Tony finishes lamely. Loki had been so angry, so hurt. Tony is certain he had smelled the alcohol on his husband, which made the entire situation worse, if that was somehow possible. Why hadn’t it bothered him before? Why had he just passively accepted Loki’s demands that everything end?

“You need help.”

“I know.”

“How do you expect to win my brother back when you’re such a mess?”

Well Thor isn’t pulling any punches today, not that Tony blames him. “I can’t do it without Loki.” Thor remains silent. Tony knows he is torn between loyalty to his brother, and the desire to help his friend. Thor had always been Loki and Tony’s strongest supporter, but Tony had gone and ruined all that.

“Thor, I know I don’t have a right to ask-“

“No, you don’t.”

“…Help me.”

Thor’s fists clench and unclench as he debates his choice. “He tries to act strong, but I can hear him crying at night. I told you the night you crashed your car if you ever made Loki cry like that again I would make you regret it. You promised me you wouldn’t, that you were going to make him happy, and yet here we are.”

“I made a mistake.” Tony knows it is a lame defense. He would be better just keeping his mouth shut, but when has he ever been able to do that?

“That is not a mistake. It’s, it’s…something more. You can’t just excuse this away with an apology.”

“That’s why I need your help. Loki gave me a week to sign the divorce papers. I need to figure out a way to win him back before the end of the week.”

Thor scoffs. “That is impossible. You know how long Loki holds onto a grudge.”

“Yeah.” Tony sighs. “But this time I’m not going to just give up.”

“Good.” Thor nods. For the first time since ‘the incident’ the anger is truly gone when he looks at Tony. “Fine. I will help you, because somehow you make Loki happy and I do not wish to continue seeing him like this. Also, you’re a better choice than Doom.”

“What?” Tony asks, almost falling off his seat in surprise. Victor von Doom has always flirted with Loki, but Loki has always pushed him away. No, no, no, please don’t let that be true. Please don’t let Loki give in. Loki is the type of person who would sleep with Doom just to piss Tony off. It makes Tony incredibly angry and jealous, and no, the hypocrisy is not lost on him. It does not mean he has to like it though.

“They have not done anything to my knowledge yet,” Thor says once he realizes what he has let slip in an attempt to make the situation better. Needless to say it does not work. “Worry not, Tony. We will figure this out.”

“I hope you’re right, Thor.”

/

His eyes open lazily. The beeping of machines rings in his head, but when he goes to remove the wires a cool hand stops him. “You should not. Apparently these machines are meant to help you.”

Tony smiles up at his lover. “Wow, I must have had you really worried if you’re putting your trust in Midgardian technology.”

“Of course you did. You’ve been unconscious for a fortnight.” Loki leans down to press his forehead against Tony’s, relishing the feel of the man against him. It is almost as if Loki is reassuring himself that Tony is real.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m awake now.” Tony pulls Loki into his lap. The Trickster isn’t the only one who has been contact deprived.

“But for how long?”

“Don’t know,” Tony answers honestly. No use in lying to the God of Lies. “I dream when I’m out of it.”

“Of what?” Loki kisses the edge of Tony’s lips. It is not a sexual gesture, more a way to tell Tony how much he has been missed without actually saying it.

“Mmm, don’t want to talk about it. You hate me there.”

“As far as anyone else is concerned, I hate you here.”

“True, but I’m also sober there.”

“Sounds awful.” Another kiss. This time Tony turns his head to return it. It is so tender, unlike anything they have ever shared before. “Tony, do not close your eyes again.”

“Sorry, Reindeer Games, my eyes are just so heavy. Love you.”

“Tony, please! Stay with me!”

 

Tony wakes in his suburban home, rolls over, and screams into his pillow until his throat is hoarse. 


	4. I'm Not Stalking, I'm Just Concerned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily is still being wonderful and reading these chapters for me. We all love her, yes we do.

“And now I’m bored with you all. Go, be free, make love, burn down a building. Except for you, Parker. You still amuse me.”

“Joy of joys.” Peter rolls his eyes, along with the rest of the class. Those who had made in this far into the semester were use to Tony’s eccentricities by this point. “Did you get a chance to look at my proposal?” Peter asks, barely contained excitement in his voice. He reminds Tony of a puppy.

“Office. We’ll talk while we walk,” Tony commands, pointing to the door where the next class stares at them as they wait to file in. Peter follows him obediently as Tony heads off for his office. “Yeah, I did,” he finally says. He glances over at Peter, who looks equal parts curious and nauseous. He smirks and decides to put the kid out of his misery. “It looks interesting kid. Ambitious, but I think you can pull it off.”

Peter relaxes, his nerdy smile back in place. “So I have the go ahead?”

“Well, as flattered as I am that you asked me, I’m only able to advise on the equipment you’ll need to make, not the main part. Why didn’t you ask Banner or Connors to be your advisor for this?”

Peter shifts uncomfortably as they head into the liberal arts building. Tony has the joy of his class being on the opposite side of campus from his office. “There’s, ah, history with Professor Connors, and I’ve never had a class with Professor Banner before.”

“Really? You should, Bruce is great.”

Peter doesn’t answer. He suddenly freezes, his eyes staring forward in horror before they flick over to Tony.

Tony’s brows furrow in confusion before looking over to see what has Peter going freaky. A second later he wishes he hadn’t. Victor von Doom, Philosophy Professor, and the sight of him makes Tony’s blood boil, stands outside his office talking to someone. His hand rests lightly on the other’s wrist in a gesture that borders on intimacy. Doom takes a step to the side and Tony is able to see that someone is Loki. There’s a smile on his estranged husband’s face as he laughs at something Doom said. He looks so happy, and Tony feels a flash of jealousy that he is not responsible for it.

Doom walks backwards away from Loki, a smile on his face as well. “Dinner?” he calls back. It’s an offer that has been given countless times, and denied each time.

But Loki catches sigh of Tony. Maybe that’s why he says it, Tony doesn’t know, but this time Loki accepts. “Pick me up a six. You’re taking me to Aliena’s,” he demands.

Doom seems surprised for a moment before he gives an elegant bow. “As you wish.” He walks off to his next class, ignoring Tony when he passes him.

Loki, on the other hand, holds Tony’s gaze for a long minute, the glint of hate obvious in his eyes. Tony can’t make himself look away. With a rather smug tilt of his head Loki turns away, answering pleasantly the summons of one of his students.

“Professor Stark?” Peter asks tentatively.

Tony shakes his head, again pointing the way to his office. “Let’s go hash out the rest of these details. I’ll give Bruce a call and rope him in on this as well.”

/

“Tony, where are you going?”

“Dinner,” Tony answers Bruce while straightening his tie.

“You seem to have forgotten that we were supposed to talk about the simulation tonight, even though I reminded you when you called me about Parker’s project this afternoon.”

“Seems I have.” He doesn’t stop dressing. In face he grabs his wallet and heads for the door. Bruce stands in the way looking less than pleased. “If you want to talk you’ll just have to come with me.”

Bruce sighs, but moves out of the way and follows Tony to his P.T. Cruiser. He knows there’s no use in trying to stop him, not if he wants to get Tony to talk about the simulation tonight. “Why the sudden urge for dinner?”

Tony turns on the car before answering. “Loki’s having dinner with Doom tonight.”

“Oh my god, Tony! Are you seriously stalking you husband?”

“No, no, of course not…maybe a little bit. But you can’t expect me to sit back and not do anything!”

“I expected you not to piss off Loki, not if you are serious about getting him back,” Bruce counters.

“He’s not going to be pissed if he doesn’t see me.”

“I think you’ve forgotten who you’re dealing with,” Bruce grumbles, obviously not having high hopes for tonight. He opens the glove compartment, stealing one of the ties Tony keeps there because he never seems to have one when he needs it. Luckily for Bruce he is one of those professors who wears a suit to work, otherwise he would never be allowed into Aliena’s. “From your appearance I’m guessing suit and tie are required.”

“Yep, Aliena’s. Loki demanded it.”

Bruce does not comment that it is the same restaurant Tony took Loki for their first date. It’s not a coincidence that Loki demanded to be taken there tonight. Instead he asks, “You made a reservation?”

“Had to sweet talk Luke, but yeah, he got us in.”

“’Us?’” Bruce rolls his eyes at Tony’s grin. “I should have known you didn’t forget after all. You knew I’d come with you.”

“I like to think I’m clever.”

“Manipulative,” Bruce shoots back.

Tony just shrugs as he pulls up in front of the restaurant, handing his keys of to the valet before walking inside with Bruce. The maitre d bows and shows them to a table almost as soon as Tony and Bruce walk through the doors. The table is off to the side, Aliena’s most hidden spot, which isn’t usually desirable since people came to Aliena’s to be seen. Tony acts completely natural, situating himself so that Loki cannot see his husband if he happens to glance up, no matter where he ends up sitting in the restaurant. Bruce has given up sighing, he would have been doing so all night otherwise, and sits across from Tony.

“This is not going to end well,” Bruce remarks as he picks up his menu.

“Cheer up, Brucie. Look on the bright side.”

“There’s a bright side to me helping you stalk your husband?”

“Of course there is. No matter what happens at least you get a free meal out of it.”

“Damn right I do,” Bruce mutters, burying his nose in the pages of the menu.

At the same time their waiter finishes taking their order another is showing Loki and Victor to their own table. “They’re here!” Tony hisses.

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

“I was kind of hoping Loki would have laughed and slammed the door in his face.”

“While I can definitely picture Loki doing that, you obviously didn’t think that would happen considering you dragged me out here.”

Tony slouches in his chair, going into a full pout. “Like I said, hoping.”

The conversation takes a pause when the waiter returns with their drinks (nothing alcoholic, Tony is _never_ doing that again). Bruce uses it to his advantage in order to change the subject. “You know we’re still going to talk about the simulation, right? This doesn’t get you out of it.”

“That is why I brought you.” But Tony’s attention is not on Bruce. It is on the back of Loki’s head, Loki who is saying something that is making Victor grin before laughing outright. Tony feels anger settle in the pit of his stomach.

“Tony, seriously talk to me. You’re not going to do any good by charging over there and trying to break them up.”

Tony forces his attention to shift back to Bruce. After a moment he relents. “What’d you want to know, Brucie?”

“The entire experiment was to connect memory and subconscious so a person could remember their dreams. The cure for cancer, solutions to the energy crisis, world hungry, all of it could be in our subconscious just out of reach.”

“Bruce,” Tony cuts him off, “you gave me this shpeal when you asked me to volunteer.”

“Right, sorry.” Bruce always has a hard time hiding his passion for an experiment once someone, especially Tony, gets him going about it. “What do you remember?”

The engineer takes a sip of water in order to stall, his eyes flickering back to Loki for a moment. “I lived a completely different life,” he answers slowly, “forty years of being a different Tony Stark.”

Bruce takes a sharp intake of breath. “Tony, that’s-“

“Amazing? Insane? Shit Bruce, I don’t know where any of those ideas came from. I mean okay, every little boy dreams of being a superhero, but I was a cooler version of Batman.”

“I think you should start from the beginning.”

Tony wastes time playing with his napkin, thanking the waiter when his food is placed in front of him, Bruce is patient. The great thing about Bruce is that the man knows just how much to push. Tony had never told anyone all of it when he was in the simulation, not Pepper, not Rhodey, not Loki. He had barely spoken about it since waking up. But it isn’t real, so why does it take him so long to open his mouth? He has to, he needs to.

The story comes out slowly: his father, partying for decades, Afghanistan and Stane, Iron Man, Vanko, the Avengers, and Loki. Tony tells Bruce all of it. He even forgets why they had come out in the first place for awhile.

It all comes crashing back when he looks over Bruce’s shoulder to see Victor nodding toward their table. Then Loki is turning, his face twisted by barely contained anger. His eyes lock onto Tony’s. He has been caught and there is no denying it. So Tony lifts his glass in a mock toast to the two, not even flinching as Loki’s eyes harden with hate.

/

When he wakes up this time it is Rhodey hovering over him. Tony knows he is back because this Rhodey is not in a wheelchair. “Hey, buddy, good to see you awake.”

“Whooo,” Tony cheers weakly, his voice hoarse from being unused for so long. “What’d I miss?”

“Pepper’s been keeping your company afloat, although the stock has dropped since news of your hospitalization leaked out. Fury has, for the moment stolen, me to help out with the Avengers. Clint broke his arm a week ago, so he’s out of commission for awhile.”

Tony winces at that. The Avengers down by two is a very bad position to be in, but he’s not so worried about them with Rhodey. The Colonel knows how to take care of himself and those he fights with, Tony wouldn’t have given him the War Machine armor if he didn’t believe that.

“Rhodey, I’ve got to tell you something.”

Rhodey’s brows furrow. “What is it?”

Tony reaches out, searching for the other man he knows is in the room. He knows he’s been by his side this whole time, although if he calls Loki out on it the god will say he is protecting his interest, and not because Tony has made him sentimental. Loki’s invisible hand gasps his, a look of concern on his face. “We can trust him, babe. Need him to know.”

Rhodey looks completely confused. Tony is sure he is wondering if his friend has finally lost his marbles. Loki gives him a long stare. He’s probably wondering the same thing as Rhodey. “I probably don’t have a lot of time here.” It is a low blow, and Tony feels his gut twist at the pain in Loki’s eyes, but it gets the Trickster to nod. A green shimmer of magic and Rhodey is able to see the god as well.

Rhodey jumps out of his chair, eyes wide. “What is he doing here?”

“Rhodey, calm down. Please, just listen to me.” That catches the Colonel’s attention. Tony never says please. “I love him, Rhodey. If anything happens-“

Loki’s hand tightens around his own. “That will not happen.”

Tony lifts the god’s hand, brushing his lips over the back of it. “Let’s be real here, Dasher. This isn’t the time to lie to ourselves.”

“Tony,” Rhodey interrupts, casting a side long look at Loki, “what is going on?”

“I-” No, no, no! The darkness is coming again. It swallows and chokes him, smothering him and dragging him down. But there is something he needs to tell Rhodey, to tell Loki. Goddammit, he cannot keep doing this to Loki. “I love you.” He has no idea if he says the words out loud or not.

 

Tony wakes up on that horrible couch. Seriously, he needs to find an axe.

Bruce wanders into the living room from the kitchen, a cup of tea in hand. He hands it to Tony as he sits next to him. “I think there’s something else we need to talk about.”

Tony remains silent, staring down at the floor, the cup passing from hand to hand.

“Tony, I care about you. Let me help.”

He sighs and downs the cup, the hot liquid scalding hot against his tongue and down his throat. “Tell you what, help me destroy this couch and I’ll tell you.”

Bruce is blank as he thinks it over for a moment, then nods. “You get the axe, I’ll get the goggles. First rule of science is safety first after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone didn't notice I've figured out how many chapters there will be, nine in total. So that means we're almost half way through this fic already.


	5. I Love You, Please Don't Leave Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bats for editing this chapter for me, and Ally for helping me work through wording problems. You guys are amazing!
> 
> And Emily, I'm sorry I posted this before you got to see it, but I just couldn't wait!

Tony sits at the kitchen table, Pepper curled up around his feet. Bruce is currently rummaging through the fridge, looking for a midnight snack. In the living room the couch lies in splinters. It is a good thing Bruce was there to stop him or Tony would have just continued smashing furniture when he had finished with the couch.

“You need to go to the store. There’s nothing in here.”

“I keep forgetting. Loki always did it. He said I got distracted and never returned with the right things when he sent me.”

Bruce considers it for a moment before he nods. “Yeah, I can see that.” He sighs and gives the fridge one last futile glance. “You think we can order pizza at, what-“ he looks at his watch, “-2:30 in the morning?”

“Only one way to find out.” Tony scrolls through his contact list until he comes to the number for the local pizza join. As it turns out, yes, you can have pizza delivered at 2:30 in the morning.

They clean up while they wait. Well, Bruce cleans up the living room as best he can and sends Tony to off to take a shower. Tony is grateful for it. As the warm water pours down his skin he is able to stop thinking for a bit, able to put everything that has crashed down onto him these past few days to the side.

Bruce is at the front door paying the pizza guy when Tony comes back downstairs. Bruce takes the pizza and shuts the door with a ‘thank you.’ Tony’s stomach decides that is the perfect time to remind him that he didn’t eat much at dinner by growling loudly.

“Shh,” Tony says, placing a hand over his stomach. “Soon.”

Bruce rolls his eyes as he places the pizzas and Tony’s wallet on the kitchen table. “I see I paid.”

“Free meal, remember?” Bruce reminds him before biting into a slice of cheese.

Tony chuckles and reaches for a slice of his own. Bruce lets him eat two before he gives Tony the look that means ‘we need to talk now.’ Tony sighs and wipes his fingers off on a napkin before he decides to just dive right in. “I’ve been having dreams.”

“Of the simulation?”

Tony nods lamely. “I feel like each time I’m waking up, and it makes it hard to know if this is real or if the other place is.”

Bruce takes a deep breath. Tony sees the anger in his eyes, but Bruce is doing his best to hold it back. “You should have told me about this, Tony.”

“I’m not crazy, Bruce.”

“No,” Bruce says softly, “I know that. Shit, Tony, I’m so sorry. I never should have let you undergo the simulation.”

Tony shrugs his shoulders, but remains silent.

“I’m going to find a way to fix this, Tony. I promise you.”

“You have class in the morning,” Tony says before Bruce can take the conversation further.

Bruce sighs and leans back in his chair. The scientist is one of those professors who never cancels class, no matter what. The building could be on fire and he’d still be teaching…okay, that is probably an exaggeration, but not much of one. He stands, his phone appearing in his hand.

“You’re going to call Rhodey again, aren’t you? I can take care of myself,” Tony protests.

“Except for the whole clashing realities bit,” Bruce counters. “Just indulge me, otherwise I’m going to worry.”

Tony smirks bitterly. “If you use that too much it’s not going to have any effect soon.”

“Yes it will. You care more than you let on.” He leaves to call Rhodey, the other man picking up even at the ridiculous hour. Tony listens to Bruce’s hushed tones as he informs Rhodey of the situation. There are times when he really hates how well Bruce can read him.

/

Tony wakes up in a puddle of drool. Rhodey is sitting across the table from him eating a bowl of cereal. “That’s gross, dude.”

The engineer blinks sleep out of his eyes, yawning and scratching his stomach. “At least I don’t snore like a monster truck.” He stands up and goes to the counter for a paper towel with which to wipe up the table.

“You do actually.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re embarrassed to acknowledge your own flaws.”

“I don’t have flaws. I’m perfect.”

Tony looks up, one eyebrow raised. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with me.”

“Probably. You’re a horrible influence.”

Tony’s phone alerts him to a text message. When he picks it up he winces, seeing that it is from Thor. It reads simply: **You are an idiot.**

Tony types in a response of: **I know.**

A minute later: **There is no way you are going to win Loki back if you keep pulling stunts like this.**

Again Tony types in: **I know.**

He can picture Thor sighing as he types the next message. **I will see what I can do to calm him down.**

**Thanks Thor. You’re the best.**

**I want you two to be happy again.**

Tony sets his phone down without responding. He isn’t sure how to.

/

Hours later Natasha shows up with cheeseburgers. Tony could have kissed her, if it Natasha wouldn’t have probably punched him in retaliation. She whispers something to Rhodey, who nods, and the next minute is saying his goodbyes. Honestly, Tony feels like his house has become a rest stop for his friends, but the company is better than being alone right now.

“So,” Natasha begins, eyeing the remains of the couch, “Loki is pissed.”

Tony’s appetite immediately dissipates, the food in his mouth going bland. He looks up at Natasha nervously, waiting for her to continue.

“And because I know you’re wondering, no, he did not sleep with Doom last night. He hadn’t been planning on doing it last night anyways. What were you even doing there in the first place?”

“I just…I wanted to see him, to stop him. Because I’m selfish and I want him to be happy, but with me, not Doom. I want him back.” He looks up at Natasha again, waiting for her to say something, but she just continues with that leveled gaze. “You’re going to tell me I’m an idiot, aren’t you?”

“I’m sure you’ve been told that enough today to know you messed up. You’re smart, Tony, just not with people.”

He sighs and holds his arms on the table, resting his chin on top of them. “What am I going to do, Tasha?”

“Tell him the truth.”

Tony tilts his head to the side questioningly, imploring Natasha to explain further. “Tell him everything why you slept with that student, why you entered the simulation, what you saw. He doesn’t understand why you’re so willing to fight for him now where before you were not. Making him understand would go a long way towards getting him back.”

“Loki isn’t the type to just sit around and listen when he’s angry,” Tony comments, his voice absent of hope.

“Then make him listen.”

The front door opens, quick and quiet steps approaching the kitchen. A moment later Loki appears, his eyes holding the same fury they had last night. Loki looks between them. Tony can tell there is a silent conversation taking place between Loki and Natasha.

A minute later Natasha drains her drink and stands. “I’ll leave you two to it then.” Neither of them move or speak until they hear the front door close behind Natasha.

Loki rounds on him the second they hear the click of the latch. “What the hell did you think you were doing? Stalking me, Tony! Really?”

“I didn’t mean for it to end up as stalking!”

“Oh!” Loki’s eyes widen and his hand goes to his heart. “I’m sorry, I completely misinterpreted you showing up at the same restaurant where my date was and _spying on me!”_

“I wasn’t spying on you! I just-“

“Just what, Tony? I am tired of this! Just what do you want from me?”

“You!” Tony shouts back when Loki pauses for a breath. “I want you!”

Loki goes deadly quiet, practically shaking with anger. “You had me, and you threw me away.”

“No-“

“Stop, Tony, just stop. We are through.”

Tony stands and grabs Loki’s left hand before his husband can pull back. “Then why are you still wearing your wedding ring?”

Loki growls and rips his hand from Tony’s grip. With a violent jerk he pulls the ring off his finger and throws it at Tony, hitting him in the forehead. “And now I’m not.” He spins on his heel and heads for the door.

Tony rushes after him, grabbing Loki’s hand again. “Loki, please! Just let me explain. I made a mistake, but please, don’t give up on us!”

“I loved you!” Loki shouts and he  turns to face Tony again, tears falling from his eyes. “I gave you everything, every bit of me, and you betrayed me! And now you want me to forgive it all so we can what, go back to what we had before?”

“Yes!”

“We can’t! I will always know that you slept with that student! There is no erasing that. How are we supposed to be happy if I can’t trust you?”

“Please.” Tony places his hands on the sides of Loki’s neck, pressing his forehead against his husband’s. Loki goes stiff under his touch. “Please, just let me try.”

Loki is still shaking, still angry, when he surges forward the next second to press his lips against Tony’s. The kiss is teeth and hate, a physical continuation of their fight. They always have been able to better communicate through physical touches than words anyways.

Tony is slammed against the side of the staircase, the banister digging into his back. He gasps out, and Loki moves on to attacking his neck, biting hard enough to mark. His hands slip under Loki’s shirt, pushing it up. Loki releases a growl as he’s forced back so the shirt can go over his head. Tony reaches into the drawer of the small table beside them, the one Loki used to organize their mail, and pulled out one of the many tubes of lube they had hidden around the house.

His pants are pushed down roughly, and Tony kicks them away. Loki coats his fingers with lube and shoves two into Tony’s ass at once. Tony throws his head back, gasping and screaming at the sensation. Loki ignores him, continuing with the rough treatment. His fingers twist and turn until they press up against Tony’s prostate, causing the engineer to scream again. Loki pulls his fingers out and slaps Tony’s ass, hard. “That’s all you get. Upstairs, now.”

Tony has absolutely no desire to disobey. He runs up the stairs, but trips halfway up. Loki is on him before he can get up again. His gasps harshly at the feel of Loki suddenly fully sheathed inside him. “Loki.”

Loki growls again and pulls back, thrusting back in hard and fast. He sets a punishing pace, taking Tony roughly. Tony’s knees hit against the next step, and he knows he’s going to hurt in the morning, but it doesn’t matter. Loki is inside him, Loki is fucking him, and that’s really all that matters right now. Tony moans loudly, holding onto the top step with one hand and one of the banisters with the other. Loki changes the angle of his thrusts, causing Tony to scream as he slams into Tony’s prostate again and again. A moment later Tony has painted the step white with his come. Behind him Loki thrust in again, leaning over to bite Tony’s shoulder hard enough to draw blood, and comes inside his husband.

Loki pulls out of Tony with a noise of disgust and begins to zip his pants back up. Tony just lies against the stairs attempting to regain control of himself. It isn’t until he realizes Loki is walking away that he forces himself up. “Wait!” He grabs at Loki’s hand again.

This time Loki doesn’t fight. “Tony…”

“I’ve been dreaming. Bruce’s simulation, when I went through it I lived another life, one where we were happy together. And then I woke up and you were gone, and I can’t Loki, I just can’t. Please.” Loki stays still and silent until Tony adds, “I’m not sure which reality is actually real anymore. Please, I need you to stay.”

Loki’s hands flex as if he is fighting against himself. His jaw is tight as he bends over Tony. “One night, that’s it. You don’t get anymore.”

He wants more, but it is already more than Tony could have hoped for.

/

The darkness is so thick around him he cannot see anything when he opens his eyes. Or maybe he hasn’t opened his eyes in the first place, it’s hard to tell. But there are voices, hushed and angry, arguing with one another.

_“…I know…brother-“_

_“How can you…Do you honestly think this changes anything?”_

_“You lie to yourself…”_

_“…despise you…”_

_“You love him.”_

_“Of course I do! Why do you think I am trying…get him back!”_

_“He will not appreciate…and kill yourself!”_

The second voice sneers, but  the first voice cuts it off. _“Brother, let me help…”_

Silence. Tony thinks that maybe the darkness has cut off the conversation, and then, _“I will not lose him, Thor.”_

_“What do you need me to do, Loki?”_

And then something reaches through the darkness to wake him, pulling him away from the voices.

/

The something that had woken him was Loki sinking onto his cock. Tony shakes off sleep as best he can, reaching up to trace his thumbs along Loki’s hipbones. Loki stays still for a moment, hands on Tony’s chest, shuddering as he adjusts to Tony girth.

Tony opens his mouth to say something, but Loki silences him with a finger against his lips. “You will only ruin this.”

And then Loki begins to move, slowly raising himself up before slamming back down. The pace picks up quickly from there. The only sounds are Loki’s gasps, Tony’s moans, and the slap of flesh on flesh. His hips are going to be bruised in the morning. He’ll wear the deep claw marks Loki is scratching into his skin like badges of honor, if only because they serve as proof that this happened, that this is reality and not a dream in Tony’s head.

It isn’t long before Tony reaches his limit and spills inside Loki’s deliciously tight body. Loki moans, because he is not there yet, and then moans again when Tony’s hand wraps around his cock to finish him off. Loki remains seated on Tony for a long moment, black hair hiding his face, as he catches his breath. With a violent motion that has Tony hissing in pain Loki lifts himself off his husband and slides long legs off the bed, heading for the bathroom.

Tony props himself up on his elbows, and listens to the sounds of Loki cleaning up. It is familiar and odd at the same time. Loki always cleans up after sex, he hates that sticky feeling in the morning, but this time it’s more methodical. The sounds don’t have the same careless grace to them that comes with the satisfied mode Loki has after being fucked.

And then Loki exits the bathroom and heads to the set of drawers that still contain what clothing he did not take with him. Tony watches in silent shock as Loki dresses quickly. His husband is buttoning his shirt by the time Tony finds his voice.

"So that's it? You're just going to leave?"

"We had sex. That does not make us lovers once more. I should never have let you talk me into staying in the first place." Loki adjusts the sleeves, not looking up at Tony.

"Do you still love me?"

"The question is not whether I still love you. It is do I love you enough to forgive you."

"And do you?"

 Loki pauses on his way out the door, just long enough to murmur, "Apparently not."

Tony listens to his footsteps on the stairs, Pepper’s meow as he passes her, and finally the front door closing behind him. A few minutes later Pepper jumps up on the bed and settles on Tony’s chest. Tony pets her head with one hand, pressing the palm of the other against his face in an effort not to cry.

 


	6. The Practice of Ripping Out Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking so long to update. I am taking a class this summer and it has been eating up all my time. 
> 
> This chapter is shorter than the others, but so far each chapter has only covered one day and I didn't want to stop using that format. I'm hoping the next chapter will make up for it.

Tony is awake, really he is. The bed is just really comfortable, and the blanket pulled over his head does a wonderful job keeping the rest of the world at bay. Somewhere at the back of his senses he hears Rhodey messing with the stair lift Tony had customized to go faster than was originally intended. His best friend is soon rolling down the hallway and into the master bedroom.

“You missed office hours, buddy,” Rhodey says, almost casually. There is just the hint of concern in his voice. Good, Tony would probably close off even more if Rhodey started pitying him.

Tony nods, the movement only seen above the covers because of the tuff of brown hair sticking out.

“You want me to call the office and tell them you’re not coming in?”

Tony nods again.

“All right, be back in a minute. Don’t go anywhere.”

This time Tony answers by snuggling down even more into the nest of blankets.

Tony remains there as Rhodey rolls back to the hallway, talking softly to the office to let them know Tony won’t be in today. When he comes back, he pushes the phone under the covers. “E-mail your students,” Rhodey says firmly.

The engineer mummers in protest, only for Rhodey to poke him in neck. Still grumbling, Tony takes the phone and types out the e-mail, pushing the phone off the edge of the bed in retaliation when he is finished.

“Mature, Tone,” Rhodey says, although there isn’t any anger to it. “So what happened?” Rhodey finally asks.

“He left me,” comes the muffled response from under the covers.

There is a pause as Rhodey processes that. “Not to be insensitive, Tone, but that already happened.”

“Well, he did it again.” Tony turns over while trying to remain curled in his protective ball, burying his face in the pillow. “He came over, we had sex, had sex again, and I thought-I thought he was going to stay.”

Rhodey very slowly pulls the blankets from Tony’s face. “Are you giving up then?”

“What else am I supposed to do?”

“You still haven’t tried the last desperate act yet,” Rhodey suggests, his tone indicating that he isn’t really suggesting it as an option at all. “Let’s get a boom box you can hold under his window.”

Tony feels a small smile fighting its way onto his face. “Loki would set me on fire if I did that.” And that’s when it hit him. Tony shoots up, surprising Rhodey, and throws the blankets off. “Rhodey, you’re a genius!” Tony shouts as he goes flying down the stairs.

He gets to the front door when he hears Rhodey shouting down, “I did not need your dick in my face!”

It isn’t until then that Tony realizes he is still naked from last night. Back up the stairs he goes, throwing t-shirts and underwear to the floor as he proceeds to dress sloppily. “I have to-oof!” he shouts as he trips while trying to put on his pants. “Still have a few days left! I know how to get him back!”

“You’re not going to do something insanely stupid, are you?”

“Of course I am!” Finally dressed, Tony runs back down the stairs, only to trip on the last step and bashes his head against the banister. Tony falls to the ground, Rhodey shouting from the top of the stairs. He can feel blood in his eyes, but it doesn’t matter because he can’t see anyways. The darkness comes rushing up again to drag him down.

/

Pepper is beside him when he wakes up. She smiles at him when he opens his eyes, her soft hand resting on his head. “Hey,” she greets, tears in her eyes, “you’re up.”

“Feel like shit,” he mumbles. And groggy, as if he can’t shake himself awake after a long rest. “Water.”

A glass of water is held to his lips the next minute, and he’s really glad Pepper continues to hold it while he drinks. His hands are shaking so bad he knows he would have spilt it. While he is drinking a doctor walks in and smiles at him. Tony immediately doesn’t like the man, although to be fair, Tony isn’t the best patient in the world.

“How are you feeling, Mr. Stark?” the doctor with the stupid smile asks.

“Peachy,” Tony rasps, his voice hoarse from being unused for so long.

“I’m going to check your vitals, see what’s going on.”

“I’ll be right back,” Pepper whispers to him, pulling out her phone. “I’m going to call Loki.”

Tony perks up a bit at that. Although, when had Pepper and Loki settled on good terms? How long had he been out anyways? He suffers the doctor’s inspection, nodding or shaking his head when asked a question. Pepper walks back in just as the doctor finishes. “Everything looks fine, Mr. Stark. If you’re still awake in a couple hours I’d like you to try and eat something light. A nurse will be in to check on you  every half hour. There’s a call button right next to your bed if you need anything in the mean time.”

As soon as the doctor steps out there is a hand, not Pepper’s, grasping his arm. Tony looks over to see Loki, a tentative smile on the Trickster’s face. “You left me again,” he accuses.

“Sorry,” Tony says, looking down. He takes Loki’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb over Loki’s smooth skin. “Didn’t mean to.”

“I hate you,” Loki whispers, resting his forehead against Tony’s.

Tony lets out a sob, surprising both Pepper and Loki when wraps his arms around the other man, clinging onto him for dear life. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. I love you, love you so much. Don’t leave me.”

After a moment, Loki raises his arms to wrap them around Tony. “Shh, Tony. It is all right. I am not going anywhere. I love you, my precious mortal.”

It takes awhile, but under Loki’s soft hands and soothing words, Tony eventually calms down. He refuses to let Loki let go of him though, turning the god into his personal pillow, constantly interrupting to tell Loki he loves him. Pepper only takes his place when the nurse comes in to check on him.

The next hour and a half they fill Tony in on what’s been going on. It has been over sixteen days since the last time he woke up, almost three months since the first time he fainted. The Avengers have some new recruits, Rhodey has been working with them more to make up for Tony’s absence. Loki has Thor traveling the Realms looking for a cure. Pepper and Rhodey sat down and had a long chat with Loki about his relationship with Tony. Neither of them are happy about it, but they agree not to do anything until Tony recovers. In the meantime Pepper admits she has seen how much Loki cares for him, and it has led to somewhat of a friendship forming between the two. It makes Tony ecstatic.

For the first in what feels like forever Tony is actually happy and laughing. He can’t keep his eyes off Loki, who also seems unable to stop smiling, or touching. Both of them just keep trying to reassure themselves that the other is actually there, sharing random kisses and inside jokes that have Pepper rolling her eyes. When the food comes, soup and jello, Tony lets himself be bullied into eating some despite not feeling hungry.

“Love you,” he mumbles around a spoonful, squeezing onto Loki’s hand.

Loki leans forward, placing a kiss against Tony’s temple. “And I you.”

Pepper raises an eyebrow, not for the first time. “I never pegged you as a lovey dovey couple.”

“Usually we are not.”

“Nah, more about getting in each other’s pants and fucking shit up together,” Tony adds, smirking when Pepper and Loki roll their eyes. “So, when can I get out of here?”

“The doctors want to keep you here a little longer, just in case,” Pepper answers. Loki’s hand squeezes his, as if that would be enough to keep him grounded here.

“Pep, I don’t think that’s-“ But he’s cut off when he feels it again.

“Tony?” Loki asks, immediately noting the change in demeanor. “Tony, what is wrong?” He swears he can hear Thor yelling at him to wake up in that ridiculously loud voice. Why can’t anyone else hear it? And why does he need to wake up? He already is awake.

Not again, not again! NOT AGAIN! The spoon falls from his fingers and he falls back into the pillows. He can’t keep his eyes open. Loki is cursing him, grasping at him, telling him to come back, but Tony can’t obey. He doesn’t want to go. He reaches out weakly, trying to hold onto Loki, but he’s falling asleep.

And waking up in a completely different hospital bed. He lets out a small sob when he sees Loki isn’t standing over him anymore.

Bruce is up from his chair in an instant, sighing in relief. “Tony, we were so worried about you. How are you feeling?”

Tony presses the palms of his hands against his eyes. “Get me out of here, Bruce. Get me out of here now.”


	7. Physical Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been thinking about adding a semi-sequel to this with scenes from Loki’s point of view. I was just wondering how many of you would be interested in reading it if I did.

The reason Tony had heard Thor while unconscious was because the not actual Norse god, but pretty close to it, had come barging into his hospital room. He had been at the vending machine when Tony woke up, but now he is back keeping Tony company while Bruce talks to the doctors. That’s great and all, but all Tony is focused on is that Thor is there while his brother is not.

“Where’s Loki?” he asks softly, zipping up his pants with shaking hands.

“He did not wish to see you in the hospital again,” Thor answers in that rumbling voice of his. “You cannot blame him for not coming.”

No, no Tony can’t. His mind again provides him with memories of holding a ring in sweaty hands, taking a few drinks to calm himself down. Then on his way to pick up Loki, practicing his proposal over and over again, he had missed the turn and run off the road, wrapping the front of his car around a tree. A severe head wound, four broken ribs, and a dislocated shoulder later, Tony was waking up to Loki in tears, swearing at him for his stupidity. Tony had promised himself then and there never to be the reason that broken look crossed Loki’s face, and then promised Thor out loud when the man had threatened him for hurting his little brother. Thor and Loki had checked him out, and when the doctor had handed Loki Tony’s personal effects, his then boyfriend had seen the engagement ring. All of Tony’s constructed speech had gone right out the window when Loki had stood there, ring in hand, and asked, “Will you do something this stupid again?”

“Not because I’ve been drinking,” had been Tony’s response.

Thor could only stand so much of watching Loki and Tony make out before he had dragged them out to the car.

It was the promise they had always fallen back on. If Loki was mad, and it was Tony’s fault, they always fixed it because Tony hadn’t been drunk. It was their saving grace. And Tony had kept his promise. He hadn’t touched another drink until that horrible night. He hadn’t realized he had even broken the one promise most important to him until Loki had opened that door and caught him buried in a student, and that horrible look, the one that made Tony feel as if he was actually dying, had been on Loki’s face. His arousal had died then and there, and he’d kicked the girl out. But Loki had packed an overnight bag and gone out the back door before Tony could catch him. Not that anything Tony said at that point would have made anything any better.

So yeah, long story short, Tony can’t blame him.

Bruce enters the room with a sigh and a tired smile. “We’re good to go.”

“Sweet. Let’s stop at the university first.”

“Tony, you just-“

“I know, I know.” Tony holds up a hand to silence Bruce. “But this is something I need to do.”

Bruce and Thor share a look before Bruce sighs. “Ask Thor. It’s his car we’re taking.”

Thor gives him a look that says, _‘Thanks, I don’t really appreciate it.’_ But when Tony turns sad pleading eyes on him, Thor relents. “Fine, but I don’t want to have to drive you back here.”

“I make no promises.”

/

“Hello, Victor,” Tony greets with a wide smile as he saunters into the other professor’s office. “I think we’re long overdue for a talk, don’t ya think?”

Victor looks less than impressed. “You do realize these are my office hours, for my _students_?”

“Let’s be honest here, office hours are students’ most underutilized resource.” With Victor still glaring at him, Tony shuts the door. “This will only take a few minutes.”

Victor takes a deep breath, but nods, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands in front of him. “If you absolutely must, but do keep it brief.”

_‘I just said I would, jackass,’_ Tony barely stops himself from saying out loud. “Look, you’ve made no secret of your crush on Loki, and I’m not making it a secret that I’m still in love with him.”

“Yes.” Victor smirks. “Clearly the only thing to do in this situation is to allow Loki his choice, and I do believe he has chosen me.”

Tony glares, reminding himself that punching Victor in the face won’t solve anything, well besides making him feel better for a few minutes. “I came here to offer a truce,” Tony grits out. “Loki gave me until Sunday to sign the divorce papers. Until then, stay away from him.”

The other professor raises an eyebrow. “That’s a little possessive.”

He runs his hand through his hair. This is seriously not going how he planned. Why is he so bad at interacting with people? “No, I just mean give me until then to try and win him back. If I can’t do it, then I won’t bother either of you ever again. If I can, you don’t come on to Loki ever again.”

Victor sits forward in his chair, calm and collected even though his face is flushed red. “Like I said, the choice is Loki’s. If he asks me to step aside, I will do so. One would think you’d be more respectful of your husband’s decisions. No wonder you lost him.”

Tony sees red, and only keeps himself from punching Victor because he had been on the other side of the room in the first place, and his mind had enough time to yell at him that it was a bad idea. “You know nothing about my relationship with Loki. I’m not trying to control him, I just want a chance to get him back. An arrogant bastard like you will never appreciate how wonderful he is.”

“More so than you,” Victor counters.

“No, ‘cause I learned from my mistake. If I can make Loki see that I still love him, I will never let him forget it again. This isn’t a competition, he isn’t a prize, and that’s how you’ve always treated him. He deserves better than you.”

“Once again, I could say the same of you.” Victor’s calm is finally beginning to fall away, a hard glint in his eyes now.

“And you’re right, but I’m selfish. Here’s the thing, so is Loki, and he needs someone just as selfish to balance him out.” Tony doesn’t wait for a response. He walks out of the office as quickly as he can, ignoring the looks of concern Bruce and Thor give him when he slides back into the car.

/

“You are unbelievable!” Tony hears as soon as the front door opens. It quickly slams shut behind Loki, who looks ready to kill him. Perhaps he should have asked Thor and Bruce to stay after they had dropped him off after all. “Bargaining over me like a piece of meat! Argh!” Loki looks around, searching for something to throw at Tony, but thankfully the knives and pots are on the other side of the kitchen. “What makes you think you have any right to dictate what I do with my life anymore?”

“Look, Loki, I love you-“

“Stop saying that!” the other man screams at him. “You don’t get to say that to me anymore!”

“I love you,” Tony doesn’t hesitate to say.

Loki freezes, not quite sure what to do with his anger at the moment. “Saying it over and over again,” he gets out through gritted teeth, “will not make me accept it.”

Tony shrugs lightly, without any real casualness to the motion. “It did before. You didn’t go out with me until I told you I was in love with you.”

“And I was a fool for doing so,” Loki says, voice just above a whisper. “Sign the papers, Tony. You telling Victor to say away from me, even for just a couple of days was unacceptable. I am not coming back to you.”

 “No,” Tony responds, “you gave me until Sunday, and that’s all I’m asking, two more days. If I can’t convince you otherwise within two days then I’ll sign the papers without protest. Thanks for ratting me out, Victor,” Tony murmurs the last part under his breath, but from the way Loki seems to relax Tony knows his husband has heard it.

Loki gets that malicious smirk on his face, the one that promises that his words are going to hurt. Tony steels himself for the worst. "Oh, but he didn’t tell me. I heard it all myself. While you were visiting Victor today, I was under the desk with his cock in my mouth. And when you left, he bent me over that desk and fucked me. Hard."

Okay, he hadn’t prepared himself for that. Tony’s mouth goes dry, and for a moment he just doesn’t. He doesn’t feel, he doesn’t move, he doesn’t think. And then the next second he’s moving forward, hands on the side of Loki’s face and he kisses his husband harshly. Loki, who is giving back as good as he’s getting, slams Tony into the fridge. Tony shoves back, Loki hissing when his hips bang against the counter edge. Loki shoves off from the counter, sending Tony off of him and backwards. Tony catches himself on a kitchen chair before he falls, growling as he launches himself back at his husband. He spins Loki, the dark haired man falling face first onto the kitchen table. Loki flips himself over, glaring daggers at Tony, but before he can stand Tony is between his legs, pinning the man down and kissing him again.

It would look horrible to anyone on the outside, but Tony’s said it before, and he’ll keep saying it until the day he dies, he and Loki communicate much better with action than words. Words have a tendency to be misinterpreted and twisted. It’s a lot harder to do that with action, especially with two assholes like them.

See, the way Tony’s hands slid down Loki’s sides says, _I know you’re trying to hurt me, you dick, and it’s working so stop._

Loki’s hips roll against Tony’s and his arms wrap around his shoulders in reply, _Not a chance, you hurt me first._

Tony’s hands shove Loki’s shirt out of the way and unzips the man’s pants. _You are an asshole, and I love you, and yeah you made me jealous. Congrats, jackass._

Loki pulls back and grins, lifting his hips so Tony can remove his pants. _It’s what you deserve._

Tony nips along Loki’s stomach, hard enough that there will be marks in the morning. _There’s a point where hurting me has to stop being fun._ A small sigh as he rests his forehead against the skin where his lips had just been. _Please, just-just-_

Loki’s soft hand pets the side of Tony’s head, ruffling his hair. _Prove to me you deserve forgiveness. I’m giving you this chance._

Tony lifts his head and places an unusually soft kiss on Loki’s lips. _Don’t move._ He pulls away, rummaging through one of the kitchen drawers looking for lube, shedding his clothes along the way. When he finds it, he spins back around, nearly falling on his face in his haste.

Loki snorts, green eyes bright with amusement. _Graceful._

Tony leans over his husband again, this time the kiss is a promise. _Laugh, but by the end of the night I’m going to make you scream._ He pops the cap off the lube, squeezing out a generous amount onto his fingers. He slowly slides one into Loki, quickly followed by a second before Loki can adjust to the feeling. _Told you,_ his eyes say when Loki gasps and grips the edge of the table.

One long leg comes up, Loki’s foot brushing against Tony’s cock. _That wasn’t screaming._ His toes curl around the tip of Tony’s cock, causing Tony to groan loudly. _You’ll have to work harder than that if you want to hear me tonight._

_Fucking bastard._ A third finger joins the first two and Loki hisses, his back arching deliciously off the table. When he deems Loki ready he pulls his fingers out, stroking his own cock to cover it in lube. He looks to Loki when he lines up with his husband’s entrance. _You’re sure, right?_

Loki never breaks eye contact with Tony. Those long legs come up again, wrapping around Tony’s waist and bringing him close. When Tony breaches him, Loki bites his bottom lip, but keeps those brilliant green eyes on Tony. _Yes._

Tony groans and pushes into Loki further, pulling out and thrusting in again. He tries to keep it slow, but Loki kicks against the small of Tony’s back. _That is not what we are about tonight._

_You’re right,_ Tony tells him when he leans down once more to kiss Loki. He picks up the pace, thrusting into his husband at a faster pace. The fingers that dig into Loki’s hips, _I love you._ His lips worshiping Loki’s skin with kisses, _I love you._ Adjusting the angle of his thrusts to hit against Loki’s prostate, _I love you._

He sees the tears form up in Loki’s eyes, but Loki blinks rapidly in an attempt to keep them from falling. His head falls to the side, allowing Tony access to his neck. _Why won’t you stop saying that?_

_Because I can’t. Because I need to make you believe it._ He turns Loki’s head back towards him, wanting Loki’s lips. The kiss is slow and heated, even as Tony thrusts faster into Loki. _Because I want to give you a reason to stay._

Loki sobs into Tony’s mouth, but the tears still don’t fall. _But you gave me a reason to leave._

Tony grins mirthlessly into the kiss. _Yeah, well I was an idiot._

_I hate you._ Loki’s arms come up to wrap around his neck. _I hate you for making me love you. Fine then, give me a reason to stay._

Tony’s fingers brush down Loki’s stomach and wrap around his cock, pumping him in time with Tony’s thrusts. _This. Us. This is our reason. We are worth fighting for._

Loki throws his head back, coming with a scream of Tony’s name. Tony moans loudly at the feeling of Loki clenching around him, and after a few more thrusts he comes inside his husband with a loud groan.

Tony rests his head against Loki’s stomach again, Loki’s fingers coming up to play with his hair. It’s an old habit Loki has never been able to break, not even when he was angry with Tony. The engineer rubs his nose against smooth skin, inhaling the scent of Loki. “Did you really sleep with Doom?” he asks softly.

“Mmm.” Loki doesn’t give any more of an answer than that. If Loki says no, there will always be doubt in Tony’s mind. If he says yes, then Tony will know, and he doesn’t actually want to know. So Loki remains silent, and Tony can’t help but smile at that. He places a kiss just above Loki’s bellybutton before lifting his head slightly to rest his chin just above Loki’s heart. “Will you stay?”

Loki’s fingers pause in their play with Tony’s hair. “No.”

Tony’s heart drops. He thinks he is going to be sick. Sure he had his master plan, but Loki kind of came and threw that out the window. This is his last chance, and they both know it. Tony tries to work his mouth open, but nothing comes out. Now he is the one blinking back tears, and he is the one that fails to keep them from falling.

Loki’s hand moves to his face, wiping away the tears. “I’m not ready to forgive you just yet,” Loki says softly, more kindness in his voice than Tony has heard in what feels like a lifetime. “I am not moving back in, I am not forgiving you, but…” Loki hesitates, and that moment is the longest in Tony’s life, “but you don’t have to sign the divorce papers. This is your second chance, do not waste it.” Loki strokes his index finger down the length of Tony’s nose.

Laughing and still crying, Tony grabs Loki’s fingers and brings them to his lips. “Not going to happen, Rudolph.”

Loki raises a skeptical eyebrow at him. “Rudolph?”

Tony can’t explain right now. He’s just too happy. He leans up to kiss Loki, the question chased away as they both relish the feel of each other. This is right. This is where they both belong.

 

That night Loki doesn’t leave, and Tony doesn’t sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some hope…
> 
> …I promise I’m not going to violently rip it away in the next chapter.


	8. It's an Ambulance, You Idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whistles innocently*

Soft lips kiss the side of his mouth. Fingers play in his hair, and then both are gone. He tries to whine, but he can’t quite make his throat work.

“There is only one more thing that may help him,” Loki says somewhere above him. His eyes are too heavy to open to actually see. The Trickster’s voice is calm and steady, but the desperation is badly hidden all the same. Loki is at the end of his rope, grasping out for hope he does not believe is there.

“We’ll take care of him,” Bruce responds. The scientist is obviously exhausted. Shit, when did Bruce find out about Loki? Does everyone know now? “Just do what you have to do to bring him back.”

He feels Loki’s fingers hover close to his skin, but they do not touch. Loki does not trust his strength enough to pull away a second time. “I-”

Maksim’s _Croatian_ _Rhapsody_ cuts Loki off. Tony blinks his eyes, and he is in his living room, sitting in the space once occupied by his couch. Loki’s phone is in front of him, music loudly demanding it be answered. Tony picks it up and greets Thor with a happy, “Loki’s phone. He cannot answer right now as his lips are wrapped around my cock-” a sigh of disgust from the kitchen causes him to grin, “-but if you leave a message I’ll make sure he receives it later, so long as he’s good.”

“Tony!” Thor shouts in his ear. “Where is my brother?”

“I just told you,” Tony quips back.

“I-” Tony can actually hear Thor thinking. “Are you two back together?”

“Getting there.”

“And Loki?”

“Washing dishes. Oh, nope. He’s coming over,” Tony says, his voice going melodramatically worried. “He’s taking the phone!” Tony holds the phone up over his head. “Oh no! Loki, I wasn’t-” And he hits the end call button. Tony throws a smile to Loki, who had made no move away from his spot at the sink. Loki returns it with a roll of his eyes.

Tony stands up and wanders over to Loki, wrapping his arms around his husband and resting his chin on Loki’s shoulder. He does his best to ignore that he hadn’t been sleeping that time, that realities are now clashing within his daydreams. He just got Loki back, and he’s not about to let anything ruin that…but the other Loki...Tony squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates on the Loki in his arms.

Loki’s wedding ring sits on the counter next to them. Tony had placed it there after breakfast in the hope Loki would put it back on once he is done. As it is now, the ring sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room.

“Was it necessary to make Thor think I was giving you a blow job?”

“Yes, yes it was.” Tony rubs his nose against Loki’s neck. He isn’t letting go, never again. Right now he just wants to re-familiarize himself with Loki’s presence. “What are we doing today? Se-”

“Shopping for a new couch,” Loki interrupts. That shuts Tony up rather quickly. “And then there was a movie I wanted to see as well.”

Tony opens his mouth, and for once forces himself to stop before he can say anything stupid. He wants to ask if Loki had been planning on going to see it with Doom, but he knows his husband, and he knows this is a trap. He grits his teeth and goes back to nosing at Loki’s neck.

His husband dries his hands, and very pointedly picks up his wedding ring, sliding it back onto his finger. Tony’s heart swells at the sight, and he gladly meets Loki’s own smile when the dark haired man turns in his embrace. “Good boy,” Loki purrs, running his finger down Tony’s nose, just as he had last night. Tony likes the feel of that. It’s cheesy, but damn if he doesn’t love it. “Perhaps you do deserve to have my lips on your cock after all.”

“I realize you are bribing me to behave with sex, and I am completely okay with it.” Tony leans forward to steal a kiss before Loki can drop to his knees.

/

He manages to open his eyes just a hair. Clint is balancing on the balls of his feet on top of a chair. He’s pretty sure the only reason the nurse isn’t telling him to get down is because of the challenging look Nat, occupying the wall space right next to Clint’s chair, is giving her.

“Hey,” he croaks. Steve is immediately there with a cup of water. Captain America looks like a kicked puppy. Well, that didn’t bode well for him. “Perk up, Cap,” he says, accompanying the words with a pat to Steve’s ridiculous muscles.

“Tony!” He blinks, and he is in a furniture store. Loki and the salesman both look concerned.

“Yeah, babe?” He smirks, brushing off the daydream once again.

Loki takes a deep breath and shakes his head. His fingers squeeze Tony’s as if he is reassuring himself his husband is still there. “Which design do you like better?”

Tony looks between the two couches Loki points at, and shrugs. “Honestly, babe, we both know you already know which one you want, and nothing I say is going to change your mind.”

“True,” Loki responds, his head doing that haughty tilt up. Tony’s going to have fun messing with that later. Loki hands his phone over to Tony. “Call Thor and tell him to bring the truck while I pay for this.”

Tony shakes his head and leans over to kiss the corner of Loki’s mouth before complying. If Loki can make him or Thor do something and not have to pay for delivery, then Tony and Thor are going to end up doing it.

 

By the time the couch is in place, Thor, Bruce, and Rhodey, who had come to check up on Tony (and that’s what it was, no matter how they tried to describe it otherwise), have talked themselves into coming to the movies with Loki and Tony. Tony is fine with it. He’s got Loki back, and for once his life looks like it’s going back to normal. Of course, yet again he is ignoring the other reality bleeding into his daydreams. He throws a drink to Thor, laughing over some story Thor has been telling about a mishap at practice. Bruce and Loki are talking in the corner, Bruce probably asking Loki to keep an eye on him. That’s okay. It’s getting better. He just needs to convince them it’s getting better, because _it is_.

Loki eventually kicks them all out with a promise to meet them at the theater in an hour. Tony takes a step back when Loki rounds on him, a glare on his face. “You know how I wanted to break in this couch?”

Oh. _Oh!_ Tony takes a deep breath and nods. He should have anticipated this as soon as Loki said he wanted a new couch. His husband is probably the most possessive bastard on the face of the planet. Tony drops his pants and bends over the back of the new couch, bracing himself against the cushions. Loki leaves him waiting. Like he said, bastard. But Tony doesn’t move, because that’s not how this game is played.

Loki’s footsteps are soft, but Tony can track his movement. First to that tiny table where the lube is still hidden, a pause as Loki’s pants drop to the ground, and then he steps up right behind Tony, but he still doesn’t touch, not until Tony lets out a tiny whimper that ends up echoing throughout the living room.

A cold finger enters him without any ceremony. Tony bites his lip, fingers curling at the cushions, and attempts not to press back against Loki’s finger. Loki doesn’t say anything as a second finger joins the first. Tony knows it is going to hurt, and he knows he is going to love it. Loki twists his fingers, and Tony whines. A slap lands against his ass, a silent command to be silent. His thighs tremble under the effort to stay put. One more finger slips inside to stretch him before Loki is satisfied that Tony is ready. When he finally pulls them out, Tony whimpers again, and again a slap is landed on his right cheek. Fuck, Tony wants it.

Loki takes his sweet old time readying himself before Tony feels the tip of his husband’s cock against his entrance. “Loki,” Tony’s breath hitches in anticipation, and his husband’s name just spills out. It’s followed by a scream of pleasure when Loki is suddenly fully sheathed inside Tony, the engineer not having expected the sudden change in pace.

“Again,” Loki hisses in his ear.

Tony moans as Loki begins to move. “Loki, ah, Loki, Loki, Loki,” he whimpers. His hips push back against Loki, begging for more.

“Yes,” Loki growls above him. Every thrust screams _mine!_ _Mine! Mine! Mine, mine, mine!_ “My name is the only one you will scream.” Tony’s mouth goes slack as Loki slams against his prostate. “My lips are the only ones that will touch your skin.” Loki leans down, his teeth marking every inch of skin on Tony’s back he can reach.

“Fuck, Loki,” Tony gasps, “feels fantastic.”

Loki picks up the pace. Tony’s arms tremble as he fights to keep himself up. Tony screams and throws his head back. A second later, Loki’s lips are marking his neck. Fuck, this is all about possession, a reminder that Tony _is_ Loki’s, and if he betrays that again there will be no second time. This is what Loki offers him, and Tony takes it with eager hands.

“Loki, Loki, please,” he begs.

His lips still on Tony’s neck, Loki moves a hand down Tony’s side, drawing a shiver from his husband, across his hip, and finally wraps those wonderful lithe fingers around Tony’s cock. Loki only has to jerk him for a moment before Tony is painting the back of the couch white.

Loki is still going, still pounding into him. All Tony can do is hang on, his whimpers driving Loki on. “Loki, Loki, come on.” Loki growls, biting down on Tony’s shoulder, and comes inside Tony.

They stay like that for a long few minutes, Loki’s arms wrapped around him in a possessive manner. He doesn’t seem to plan on letting go anytime soon, not that Tony is going to complain about it. His arms on the other hand, are about to give out. “I guess we can’t return the couch now,” he jokes.

Loki growls and nips at the mark he left before standing and pulling out of Tony. “ _Why_ would we return it?”

Ah, that just brought him onto dangerous ground. Luckily for him, he’s had over a decade and a half of practice handling Loki’s prickly nature. “Don’t want to. I _do_ want to throw you across the cushions and have my way with you.”

Loki rolls his eyes as he pulls his pants back up. “We have a movie to go to, and if we do not leave now, we will be late.”

“Then we can be late,” Tony laughs, leaning over to kiss Loki. His husband sighs into it, but there is true happiness in the motion when he kisses back.

/

The next time he opens his eyes, Rhodey is in the room with him. A nurse comes in with new sheets. Rhodey barely looks up. He swears he can see a glint of…something. –

Loki is weaving his fingers around Tony’s own, pulling him across the parking lot towards the theater. Loki stops so suddenly Tony almost runs into him. “I forgot your jacket.” The warmth of Loki’s hand leaves his. “Go on, I’ll meet you inside.” –

The glint is a gun. The nurse draws it and points it at Tony without a second of hesitation. “Hail Hydra!” –

“Tony!” Tony blinks when he hears someone scream his name. Rhodey is rolling toward him as fast as his arms will move him. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a car coming towards him. –

Rhodey is up and out of his chair. The time it takes the assassin to announce who he is working for allows Rhodey to grab at the man’s arm. Bang –

Tony is falling backwards onto the blacktop. The air is filled with the screech of tires and the horrible sound of metal on metal. –

Two shots. There is red everywhere. He can smell blood. Whose blood? What? What happened? “Rhodey!” –

Loki’s arms are wrapping around him. His worried face is the only thing Tony can see. “Babe?”

“What were you thinking?” Loki snaps. His hands are wandering over Tony’s body looking for injuries.

Tony forces himself up higher to look over Loki’s shoulder. –

Rhodey crumples. Natasha comes out of nowhere and wrestles the assassin to the ground. But Rhodey, he can’t see Rhodey anymore. “Rhodey?” he gasps out, desperate for any form of response. –

Thor is yelling at the driver. She says something that really pisses him off. The football coach grabs the woman’s phone and throws it across the parking lot. He sees Rhodey’s tipped over wheelchair. Bruce is kneeling next to something…someone. No, please no. There’s a loud whining sound. Ambulance, his brain supplies. It’s an ambulance you idiot. –

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, I'm going to go into hiding now. Okay? Okay.


	9. "It is not worth the keeping: let it go: But shall it? answer, darling, answer, no. And trust me not at all or all in all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. Thank you all for making this story such a wonderful experience for me. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations. 
> 
> Another thank you to everyone who helped with this chapter: Bats, Ally, Emily, and Nertz. You're all wonderful people!
> 
> Finally, the chapter title is taken from one of my favorite poems, Vivien's Song by Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

For a time, all Tony can see and feel is darkness. It engulfs him, and yet he isn’t scared. This isn’t like the darkness in the void, where everything was darkness and falling and nightmares reaching as he plummeted toward the portal. This is warmth and desperately needed rest. God, all he wants is a dreamless, restful sleep. It would be a-okay with him if he never dreams again.

There comes a point where the darkness recedes. Tony forces his eyes open, not sure if he is waking to reality or a dream. Loki sits next to his bed, his casual Asgardian leathers letting Tony know where he is waking. “You’re back.”

Loki’s head snaps away from the window. He sighs heavily in relief when he sees that Tony is actually awake, and Tony’s voice had not simply been a figment of his imagination. “I could say the same of you.”

Tony smiles weakly. He tries to reach out for Loki, but his limbs feel like they are full of lead. Luckily, Loki does not seem to be suffering from the same condition as he reaches out to wrap both hands around one of Tony’s own, bringing it to his mouth to kiss the backs of the Tony’s fingers. Loki being affectionate, not good. “Rhodey?” he asks. Whatever horrible thing that’s happening just let it be with him, and not with Rhodey.

“He is fine,” Loki answers, removing the giant weight that had settled on Tony’s chest. “The bullets caught him in the side, and did not hit anything important. He had a horde of doctors and nurses looking after him in minutes.”

“I saw him go down though.” Not that Tony is arguing Rhodey being okay, he just needs to make sense of it all.

“Yes, the Hydra agent hit him in the head while he was stunned. But the Widow took care of him rather quickly.”

“Speaking of, does everyone know about you now?” Tony gently brushes his fingers against Loki’s as best he can.

“They do,” Loki answers glumly. So, SHIELD knows about their relationship, and is only allowing it at the moment because of Tony’s condition. As soon as he gets better, if he gets better, they’re going to be watching him closely for any chance to capture Loki.

“That’s okay. We can outsmart them, Dasher. Smile for me.”

Instead of smiling, Loki glares. It makes Tony laugh. “That works too.”

“You are very odd, Tony.”

“And that’s why you love me.”

Loki doesn’t answer, but he does hold onto Tony’s hand a little tighter, scared that Tony is going to slip away again. The silence is comforting, and Tony hates to break it, but he does not know how much time he has before he’s somewhere else again. “Babe.” Loki glowers at him again. He had forgotten how much this Loki hates being called that. “Where’d you go? When you talked to Bruce you said you were going somewhere.”

Loki takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Tony.”

Whoa, whoa, what? Loki _never_ apologizes, ever. That might very well be the most terrifying thing Tony has ever heard the Trickster say.

“There is a demon named Mephisto. I went to him to see if I could make a deal with him to help you. But the deal he offered…” Loki trails off and shakes his head. “He said he would make an attempt to help you-”

“Meaning he has no idea what is wrong with me,” Tony adds for him.

Loki nods. “Yes, and what he wanted in return, I could not give for only an attempt. He wanted my freedom.”

The one thing Loki would never give up. Tony knows how important Loki’s freedom is to the Trickster. Every time they had captured him, Loki had already planned his escape. It was Tony’s studies of those escapes that had led to him tracking Loki down and the start of their relationship.

He squeezed Loki’s hand as best he could. “It’s okay, Loki. I’m a business man, and I know a bad deal when one is presented to me. If you’d made a bad deal for my sake, I’d have to punch you in the face. I don’t want to punch you in your pretty face.”

Loki chuckled mirthlessly. He bent over the bed to kiss Tony. “You’d break your hand, my mortal.”

Tony tries to cling to Loki, if only so he can give some snappy retort, but again the darkness comes up to swallow him at the most inappropriate time.

/

Didn’t he just do this? He’s in another hospital bed, Loki sitting at his side not reading the book in his lap. There are subtle differences in the smells and noises. Tony would have preferred if the differences were bigger, these small ones are enough to drive him insane. It is arguable that he already is insane, but that’s not a conversation Tony wants to have right now.

“Babe, your eyes aren’t moving. Totally not reading.”

Loki’s head snaps up, exactly like the other Loki’s had. He’s still wearing the outfit he had been when they headed for the theater, and damn it all, he looks beautiful. “Have you been crying?” Loki never cries. Now he has one Loki apologizing, and the other crying. He must be more screwed than he thought.

“That’s the first thing you say to me?” Loki closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “What happened to you, Tony?”

Tony lifts his arms before they drop back to his sides. Loki gets the clue and leans over the edge of the bed, his head on Tony’s shoulder and arm pressed against Tony’s side. “I’ve got a lot to tell you, babe, and I’m really not sure where to start.”

“The disillusionment of our marriage.” Loki’s breath brushes against his ear.

Tony sighs heavily. “You had to start with that, didn’t you?” Loki simply lifts their intertwined hands to stare at them. “I never stopped loving you, I think I just…forgot.” Loki stills, obviously not happy with that answer. “We drifted, our work ended up becoming more important than each other. When we fought that night, I couldn’t see a reason not to do something stupid to piss you off. I wanted you to see me again.”

“Idiot,” Loki mutters.

“Yeah, it was a pretty stupid plan, but it worked. You saw me, but I lost you. After that, it really didn’t seem to matter what I did. So, I started drinking again-” He cringes in pain when Loki’s hand squeezes his own a little too harshly. “Babe…”

“Keep going,” Loki growls out.

“Well it’s a little hard to focus when it feels like you’re going to rip my hand off.” Loki loosens his grip just enough to stop distracting Tony. “Okay, so drinking, _don’t do the hand thing again!_ Then Bruce mentioned that he had gotten approval for his experiment, and I volunteered. The simulation only lasted twenty-four hours, but I lived forty years in a different reality. Fuck Loki, it felt so real. Everyone was there. I was a genius, billionaire, superhero. You and Thor were actual Norse gods, and you were a villain we fought all the time. And then we ended up becoming fuck frienemies, and it was fantastic.”

“Should I be jealous of myself here?”

“Well, the last thing I saw before I woke up was your panicked face as you were losing me.” Loki’s hand tightens around his again, but Tony doesn’t mention it this time. “I hated that feeling so much. When I woke up and realized I’d already lost you here, I…I-” Tony turns his face towards Loki, pressing as close as possible to his husband. “Don’t make me say it, babe.”

“It’s all right, Tony.” Loki presses a kiss to his temple. “You don’t have to say it.”

“I knew I had to get you back, and once I did, this happened. Now I’m losing you in a completely different way.”

“No,” Loki says sternly. “I’m not letting you go again.”

“I’m sorry, Loki. Really. God damn it, why are you in love with me?”

“I don’t know.” Loki sighs. “For some reason I seem unable to stop though.”

Tony smiles and snuggles under Loki’s chin. “Rhodey!” he gasps so suddenly it sends Loki jumping back. He had completely forgotten that he didn’t know what had happened to Rhodey in this reality. “Is Rhodey okay?”

“Tony…”

“No, no, don’t use that tone. I hate that tone. Loki, tell me he’s all right!”

Loki takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “He’s unconscious.”

“And?” Tony prompts when Loki falls silent. “Loki!”

“His head bounced off the street several times. He suffered massive internal bleeding in his brain. They’ve done all they can for him, but… Jeanette is coming in from Washington. She’ll have to make the decision whether or not to keep him on life support.”

“No,” Tony groans. “I should have told you from the beginning. Fuck, I thought I could deal with it, keep it all under control, and Rhodey ended up paying for it. Fuck, Loki, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He shuts his eyes, the familiar sensation of darkness brushing against his skin. “I think I’m going to have to sleep again, babe.”

“If you don’t open your eyes again, I will never forgive you.”

/

For a few minutes, Tony isn’t sure if there are two Thors, or just one that keeps changing clothes every few seconds. As soon as he opens his eyes he is sliding between the two realities, not staying in one for more than half a minute. Both Lokis are asleep, their heads cradled on top of their arms, resting on the side of the bed as close to Tony as they can get while still sitting in the chair.

“You awake-

“-Man of Iron?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Tony manages, not sure which one he is answering. He might very well be answering both of them, and that would save him so much time and explanation. Although, that probably doesn’t bode well for what is happening to his head at this moment.

“You do not seem-

“-to truly be here.”

“Not sure that I am.” He manages to extend his fingers enough to brush against the back of Loki’s hand, tracing small circles against his flesh. “Don’t tell him this,” he says softly, not taking his eyes off Loki, “but I don’t think I’m going to last much longer. I don’t know how to stop it.”

Both Thors take a motion that is half way between a sigh and a deep breath. “The problem seems to be-

“-that you are switching realities.-

“-Do you not think you would-

“-be better if it stopped.”

“Yeah, Point Break, good idea. No idea how to fucking do that though.”

The Thors lean against the hospital walls looking dour. The changes are quicker now, the subtle difference in the white coloring of the walls, Thor’s Asgardian armor to casual jeans and a white shirt. The whole thing is giving Tony a splitting headache, so he closes his eyes against it all. It does not shut out the shifts in smells and sounds, but focusing only on the feel of Loki’s skin beneath his fingers does.

“Maybe,” the Thors say at the same time, the shifts causing them to echo, “it would stop if you chose.”

Tony scoffs, and then immediately begins to think that maybe the Thors are onto something. “How do I do that though? How do I know which one is real, and how do I give up Loki?”

“If both are realities, then both are real, are they not? Would not whichever one you choose be the real one? I…I do not like the thought of you abandoning my brother in any form, but if you do not choose, would you not be abandoning them both?”

Tony groans. The Thors are right. “Stop making sense, Muscles. It’s confusing me.”

The Thors give a soft, mirthless laugh. “I shall leave you two then. Let Loki sleep for bit, will you? He’s exhausted.” Tony hears the door open and shut behind the Thors, leaving him alone with the Lokis.

Tony knows Thor has given him the solution, but he still doesn’t know what to do. It seems such a simple thing, all he has to do is choose. He’d never even thought to try that before. He thought he was stuck in this eternal slip and slide until it drove him insane. Now he has something he can try to end it all, but which one does he choose?

In one reality Loki will be hunted down by SHIELD as soon as Tony recovers. Loki will not stop causing chaos, it is in his nature, and SHIELD will forever be after him unless he changes. Sure Loki can escape them easily enough, but Tony would have to destroy the organization completely to keep them from using him against the Trickster. If Tony had less of a conscience that would be an option, but despite how much he hates the way they work, they do occasionally protect people. Tony can’t…well, if driven he could, but they both know the move would destroy Tony.

In the other reality, there are no obstacles to his being with Loki, well besides himself, but he’s been working on that. Their marriage is still one the rocks, but Tony has a firm grip on it now, and he’s never letting go of it again…unless he does. He doesn’t have the toys or the money, but he has a life with Loki that makes him happy. Does he really need more than that? But Loki is mortal here. Half of him likes the idea of growing old with Loki as his husband. The other half wants the immortal Loki so there is never the chance of him having to watch Loki grow old and die before him.

But Rhodey, his best friend for so much of his life, is in danger in that reality. Loki made it clear that Rhodey is not going to survive without life support, and if Rhodey’s sister decides it is time to pull the plug, then Rhodey is gone. In the other reality, Rhodey only has a few scrapes. He can get through the whole Loki ordeal if he has Rhodey helping him. But Rhodey doesn’t deserve that, he doesn’t deserve to be some piece used in Tony’s pursuit of happiness.

And there’s Pepper, the actual woman Pepper who helps him through everything. He can’t pass her over for cat Pepper, can he? Yeah, that thought just raised a whole ton of psychological issues. He’s probably going to have to see a therapist after this no matter what he chooses. And he has to choose, because otherwise he loses everything.

Tony keeps his eyes closed, keeps moving his fingers over Loki’s hand, as he debates. The shifts come so quickly that he can no longer sense the differences in the realities. The only thing that reminds him he is not completely lost is Loki’s hand.

He takes a deep breath and focuses. He makes his choice, and opens his eyes. The first things he sees, the only thing that really matters to him, are Loki’s sleepily green eyes blinking open.

“Hey, babe,” he says softly, smiling as much as he can, “I’m back. For good this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end.
> 
> I wanted to leave it like that so you could come to your own conclusion about which reality Tony chose. I know which one I think he did, but no matter how many times I am asked, I am not answering that question. It will be left as is. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Thank you again for all your support through this. It has been amazing.


End file.
